[BeardFisher-King]

The noted archeological team of Nôwan Nös and Khan Tri Membr claim to have found fragments that may constitute what is considered to be the Holy Grail of Eärwan comedy, the Epic Achamian Repudiation Rant, by Zôreius Öenghûs. Transcription is proceeding. WARNING: Strong Language.

*   *   *   *   FRAGMENT THE FIRST  *   *   *   *

[......what] the fuck do you think being a comic is like? Put it this way: the pay is like your dick. Insufficient and unsatisfying..... <uproarious laughter and sustained applause>.....I mean, why heckle me? Really, why?.....<long pause....audience gets silent>..... Comics, fuck......it's a dog's life, really. Trying to entertain, trying to be funny, trying to keep you fuckers laughing, trying to keep working, trying to get paid......Trying, yeah, that's the word! It's trying! Really, I'm at the end of my fucking rope, here.....<scattered laughter>.....Oh, now I'm funny, huh?.....You all wear me the fuck out....You know who I feel like?....<silence, then scattered shouts of "Achamian!".....That's marvelous, three guys. Folks, that was what we in showbiz call a cue. Once again, you know who I feel like?...<shouts of "Achamian!>...I SAID, DO YOU KNOW WHO I FEEL LIKE?....<audience roars, "ACHAMIAN!">.....I feel just like Drusas Achamian when he repudiated the Aspect-Emperor....<cheers, laughter, applause>

Now, folks, you all remember that during the Holy War, I had the good fortune to be embedded in the contingent that contained Kellhus and Achamian, and that the noted Achamian even transcribed some of my performances. So, I got to know the guy a little. Well, as you also know, no one version of the Epic Achamian Repudiation Rant exists. Some say he said this, some say he said that, yadda yadda yadda. Well, without further ado, here's my take on what went down:

<ZO begins pacing back and forth>..."You fucker. You absolute bastard. You fucking Dûnyain piece of crap. Hey, stay the fuck away from me, you motherfuckers, I have just kicked the ass of a Ciphrang and trust me, you do NOT want to fuck with me right now. That's right, just stand where you are, people, and listen up."

"Well, here we are. I mean, here YOU are. Where was I? I wasn't here, was I? Anybody miss me? Anybody fucking LOOK for me? Did anyone, anyone at all here give one single good goddamn where I was? Fuck no. Why the fuck would you? YOU WON! And what do winners do? They have a big fucking party like you assholes are having right fucking now. Well, you know what? I FUCKING WON, TOO! I could, right now, be in possession of the baddest, I mean the BADDEST bitch of a Ciphrang the Three Seas has ever seen. Except I was so fucking black-out-rage insane fighting the motherfucker that I don't believe there's enough of it left to fill a fucking anpoi bowl. By the way, you're off the hook, Iyokus. At least there's one Ciphrang that won't be chewing on your balls for eternity. Hey, Iyokus, I'm over here! Somebody point him in the right direction, please. Nice to SEE you, Yoke. Glad to SEE you survived. You about done sending Ciphrang to harass my ass? Word of advice to you, Yoke: Keep a low profile. Because believe me, you give me any more shit--but, hey, at least you'll never see it coming! You could be dead right now, except I just love the idea of you bumbling and stumbling around for the rest of your life. You'll be wandering around, bumping into people, saying "Are you Achamian? Anybody seen Achamian? Where's Achamian?" I'll be around, Yoke, don't worry."

"Hey, there's Nautzera! My peeps! Mandati!! My shit-stupid School! You stupid motherfuckers. Thank God this Dûnyain prick Kellhus came along, huh? "Where's the Consult? Where's the Consult?" The Big Question, right,  Nautzera? News flash, boss: The Consult is standing RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR SORRY ASS! Open your fucking eyes. I swear, you couldn't find a Consult skin-spy if it was fucking you in the ass. Well, I am well and truly done with you and your bullshit. No more fucking Cants of Calling from you, Nautzera! The number you are trying to reach is no longer in service, you got it? Return to fucking sender, address unknown. Over and fucking out of here. Mandate......fucking rename the school "Ingrate". No goddamn thanks, no goddamn help. Get the fuck out of my face."

[.....to be continued....]

[BeardFisher-King]

* * * * FRAGMENT THE SECOND * * * *

"Hey, Proyas! You made it! Way to go! Folks, I tutored this idiot, and, hey, a teacher can only work with the material that he's given, correctamundo? Whoa, whoa, there, Proyas! Calm down. Don't think that I won't give you a seriously sorcerously painful beatdown for reasons of nostalgia and auld lang syne. That's better.

Hey, I don't see the Scylvendi anywhere! Good fucking riddance. Nasty piece of work. But, hey, without him we don't get Mr. Big. Kellhus! Felicitations on your promotion to.....what are you? What was that? Asshole-Prober? What the fuck? What did he say? Ass Getting Poorer? What? Oh, pardonnez-moi, Aspect-Emperor. Oh, that's very classy. <shrugs, then sotto voce> (Fucking meaningless bullshit, but hey, whatever...) <aloud> You're looking good. Nice halo. Chicks dig the halo. No, much better than you looked way back when the Scylvendi dragged you into Momemn. Rags to riches. Fucking rags to fucking riches. You bastard. You utter bastardly piece of bastardly crap. You are a fucking thief. Folks, watch out. By the time this Dunyain prick is finished, you not only won't have pots to piss in, you fucking won't have dicks to piss with! Oh, hey, the Dunyain prick is giving me Look Number 53. The understanding, disappointed look. Oh, do I sadden you, Kellhus! Do I not measure up to your lofty standards? Kindly go fuck yourself. In fact, Mr. Asshole-Emperor, the whole purpose of my visit to this shitshow of a celebration is to tell you exactly that. Fuck you. Oh, and good luck with that whore-of-a-wife over there, Esmenet! Hi, sweetheart! Miss me? Fuck you, too. You two were made for each other. King Thief and Queen Whore. Bow down, people! Meet the new boss, same as the old boss! Tell me, folks, which is worse, a conniving idiot like Xerius or a really smart conniving sonofabitch like Kellhus? I'll pose that as my final question for this extinguished dissembly. Good fucking day to all you fucking clowns. Sleep tight, don't let the skin-spies bite. Yippie-ki-yay, motherfuckers. That's fucking right, step the fuck away from me.....whoa! WHOA! The Kellhus Voice! Yes, I sure fucking heard that! "The next time you come before me, Drusas Achamian, you will kneel!" Is that so, chief? Well, pal, I don't swing that way. But Esmi's pretty good at that particular practice, if you make it worth her while. You're going to have to lay waste to many kingdoms to keep her in the style she prefers. Anything else for me? No? Good. I'll show myself out.

[end of fragment]

[Quinthane]

Is it just me or does Scott's tone seem different in this? Like he wrote this with the Wire playing in the background.

[TaoHorror]

I think Akka knew no one would care what he said about anything - the condemnation would have no effect - but sometimes you just have to let it out. I surmise he was part of the TTT, otherwise Kellhus would've dispatched of him ... or feelings, perhaps? Remnants of camaraderie? Owed him one for the Gnosis? Kellhus likely calculated Akka would hide, so likely no risk of him upending his empire, but maybe useful in the future ... being the real prophet the people needed.

Nice find, Beard - thanks for sharing. I think R will include this in the next history/glossary.

[BeardFisher-King]

Nice find, Beard - thanks for sharing. I think R will include this in the next history/glossary.

All credit goes to the noted Earwan archeological team of Nôwan Nös and Khan Tri Membr, who should absolutely be credited in future TSA publications. And, truly, can we show some love for Zöreius Öenghus, comic, wise man, deserter (probably), and general nogoodnik.

[TaoHorror]

Nice find, Beard - thanks for sharing. I think R will include this in the next history/glossary.

All credit goes to the noted Earwan archeological team of Nôwan Nös and Khan Tri Membr, who should absolutely be credited in future TSA publications. And, truly, can we show some love for Zöreius Öenghus, comic, wise man, deserter (probably), and general nogoodnik.

Yeah, big time, the Zö man is dope! Keep em' coming, this kind of candid clarity of events is helpful as well as entertaining. Go Zö! Go Zö! Go Zö!